Soliloquy
by Invisionary
Summary: Willow reflects on recent events.


Title: Soliloquy  
Setting: AU in mid season 7  
Warnings: None  
Word count: 1,172  
Summary: Willow reflects on recent events  
Disclaimer: All characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Mutant Enemy productions, which I am not in any way affiliated with.

* * *

**Soliloquy**

If you'd asked me eight months ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd end up here.

But you know, if you'd asked me eight months ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd ever go all black-eyed and veiny and try to burn the entire world, either. So that just goes to show...

No. I shouldn't joke about that. I _can't_ joke about that. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, but I still have nightmares about what almost happened on Kingman's Bluff... What I almost did.

I can't believe how lucky I was that Xander was there to save me.

Yep, you heard me right. To save _me_. Oh, I know he saved the world too, and hey - not trying to downplay that at all. But he also saved me. If it wasn't for him, I would have turned into the same kind of monster we've fought against for so many years.

Bet you never knew I had _that_ in me, huh? Believe me, I didn't either.

I should have, though. I mean, I should have seen it coming. I was... I was really stupid when it came to the magic.

I was just so scared of being all 'ordinary girl,' you know? I was so desperate to get away from who I was in high school. And I thought that magic would be a great way to do that.

Plus, you know, _magic_. Come on, you can't tell me that isn't cool.

But you know, when I was in England this summer, I had a lot of time to think. And, being the girl I was in high school... Really not so bad. I never really thought about it before, but that girl had a lot going for her. That girl didn't have any magic, any special powers, and she still wanted to help people, even though it was dangerous.

I can't go back to being that girl. Magic is part of who I am now. And I've changed in a lot of other ways, too. But I think I can learn from her.

See, one of the most important things the coven taught me is that motives matter. You can't just keep learning more magic and using it all the time because you're afraid of what you'll be without it. That way lies badness. Trust me, I know.

But using magic to help people... That's something that's good. It's worthwhile. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's still kinda scary - I can admit that. But I think this is something I can do.

But anyway! Enough about that. Back to what I was saying before I got sidetracked. I'm with Xander now!

You're probably pretty surprised to hear that. But it's true. Xander and me... we're together. _Together_ together. With the smoochies and everything.

I know, I know - haven't I been all 'gay now' for the past few years?

Believe me, I've thought about that. A lot. And here's the thing. Xander's... special. I loved him before I even knew the difference between boys and girls.

I don't know if I can really put what he means to me into words. He's just... He's always been there for me. Always. Everything from dead goldfish to... to Tara. When I've needed someone - when I've needed _him_ - he's never let me down.

I don't think I have to tell you that I went through a very dark time in my life recently. And Xander helped me through it. He helped me get better when it felt like that was impossible.

Now, I know what this probably sounds like. 'Gee, you got together with the person who helped you when you were emotionally devastated. Isn't that nice and healthy?' I know, I've read the psychology textbooks.

But it's not like that. I'm not with Xander because I think I need him. I mean, I do need him, but not in a way that's, you know, creepy.

Like, for instance - do you know that Xander offered to come with me to England? That's right. He was ready to leave his job, leave Buffy and Dawn, and go all the way to England to stay with me when I was with the coven.

And I turned him down.

Don't get me wrong, for him to offer to do that was just... It was incredible. And God, I wanted to take him up on it. But I couldn't. As tempting as it would have been to have him there... I needed to show myself that I could stand on my own.

And I did it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it.

So no, this isn't about me clinging to something. I love Xander. Not the same way I love Tara, but... It's not better or worse. Just different.

I love the way he looks at me. Like he always sees the best in me. I love the way he makes me laugh - and believe me, it's easy to forget how important that is. I love the way he kisses me.

And no, you're not getting any more out of me than that! Some things are private.

I'm not going to say that things are perfect between us. They're not. We still have a lot we need to talk about and work out.

But... there's a lot going on right now. We've got a house full of Potentials, and they're all scared and frustrated, and Buffy's in a tough situation, and even though she's trying her best, I think she might be in over her head. Xander and Giles and Dawn and I are all helping as best we can, but there's only so much we can do.

Plus, the First is still out there, and no one knows what it's up to or what's going to come at us next. So Xander and I... Well, our issues have to wait. For now.

But we're good together. I really believe that, and I know he does too. And I think... I think that maybe this time, we'll get it right.

I really do.

* * *

Willow sighed and stood up from the chair she'd pulled to the foot of Buffy's bed. Glancing out the window, she confirmed what she'd heard a second ago - Giles was back with all the Potentials. She watched for a moment as the girls piled out of the van and stretched their legs on the front lawn. 

Turning back to the bed, Willow smiled. "Well, they're back. I'd better go say hi," she said, heading for the bedroom door. She rested her hand on the knob, but didn't open it, instead looking back over her shoulder.

"Thanks," she said softly. "I really needed to get that off my chest. You're a very good listener." And with that, she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, closing it quietly behind her.

And on Buffy's bed, Mr. Gordo sat motionless, staring out the window into the afternoon sun.

END


End file.
